// NATURE NEWS — SPAZIO & SCIENZA
How to avoid aliens and live
Mark Arnold writes speculative fiction with a broken remote in one hand and a sociology paper in the other.
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Issued by the Unified Earth Government, Office of Cosmic Silence
Following the Cascade Incident, the Yarrow Misunderstanding and what is now formally called The Cake Problem, these protocols have been aggressively revised. Read carefully. Your late predecessors did not.
Nothing. All unknown alien lifeforms are extremely dangerous, and death is the usual First Contact result — for the human. Most personnel therefore prefer attending the Second Contact proceedings.
Suddenly remember you have an important appointment on the other side of the Galaxy. Do not answer. You are a rock. If you must answer, say “I am a rock.”
Ask them to state the nature of their emergency. If no emergency, put them on HOLD.
“It’s complicated.” “Around.” Never name a location you would like to keep. You are from nowhere. Continue this trend. Geography is a vulnerability. Wave in a vague direction and mumble, “Over thereabouts …”
Friendliness is a hunting strategy. Your cat is friendly. The alien’s dead bird on the doorstep will be you.
Do not listen to your Engineers. They will say it would be cool. It isn’t.