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How to invade planet Earth: An alien's guide to bringing the human race to its knees
From "Independence Day" to "Invasion of the Body Snatchers", movies and TV shows are packed with advice for anyone aspiring to conquer this unassuming blue dot.
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It looks there for the taking, doesn't it? The third rock from the sun just sitting there, all defenceless, run by squabbling politicians ruling over a human race who'd rather be sharing "get ready with me" videos than vigilantly watching the skies as they should be.
But next time you set your sights on invading planet Earth, remember that it's easier said than done. Some of the mightiest alien attack forces in existence have met their match in this particular corner of the Milky Way, as the residents of this nondescript ball of rock have repeatedly found ways to repel extraterrestrial attackers — even when they're massively outgunned.
So don't embarrass yourself in front of your attack fleet. Having painstakingly researched numerous previous assaults on Earth, we've assembled a guide to all the things you should — and indeed shouldn't — do the next time you try to bring those snivelling humans to their knees. Follow these tips, and the Earth can be yours to do with as you please.
If you really want to show your prospective underlings who's boss, you'll need to make a big entrance. Hovering over major landmarks (eg: The White House, The Empire State Building, the Capitol) is a great place to start, as the eyes of the world's media will be upon you.
Some bystanders will think you came in peace, of course, but by the time the masses have realized what you're up to, it'll be way too late for those puny humans.
Don't be like these crop-circle-obsessed idiots. If water's not for you, you really shouldn't set your sights on a planet whose surface is over 70% water. There are other, less soggy worlds to conquer.
A bit of a cheat code, this, but if you really want humans to fear (or, at the very least, respect) you, you could do worse than model yourself on Satan/Beelzebub/Mephistopheles/Old Nick/the Devil/whatever you want to call him. They're sure to hang on your every word, though do be prepared for them to assume the worst of you, even if your intentions are good.
Earth's famously yellow sun works such wonders on Kryptonian physiology that it can be tempting to get everyone you know kneeling at your feet. Alas, hubris is a one-way ticket to the Phantom Zone.